Have to keep reminding myself why I am here at all. I am here to run free among you—to run free before your eyes.To speak freely about my life, how frustrated I am by it.I am here to describe to you my feelings as honestly as I can.Nothing else.I shouldn’t feel shy before you.I shouldn’t hide my tears from you.I mustn’t hold back.Your pity, your indifference, even your sincere concern for me should not phase me.I just need to express myself, to open my heart to you, to capture your attention so you can help me dispel toxic emotions from my body.I just need you to know that I am out here going through this.I just need you to know.I don’t know why I am holding back, why do you make me hold back?I know you don’t mean to, but I feel like I am suppose to uphold some idea you have of me!Oh dear lord, it’s real life all over again.I shouldn’t be hiding my tears from you.You should know that I do cry.I cry all the time, even when I am laughing at your pathetic jokes.Oh and my mind, it’s such a mess!Can’t think.I have a headache! Goodnight.
I went to meet some old friends this weekend, my junior high friends.Through facebook, we are still able to keep in touch. This type of constant presence in each other’s lives is doing more damage than good to me.It’s okay to lose track of people in life.Facebook allows me to snoop into people’s lives, can’t fight the temptation.
So far, facebook is proving repeatedly how pathetic my life really is.Through facebook I am constantly aware of my peers’ career and personal successes.I know who’s getting married, who has children, and who has begun climbing a career ladder.Those intelligent folks in school deemed 'nerds' are of course ‘making it big’.And even those that didn’t seem all that smart are making something out of their lives, creating dreams and following them.Overall leading seemingly happy, satisfactory lives.I am still the same person.
When I was very young, I had a dream.I dreamt that all my friends grew up and left me behind.Hmm…facebook has made that dream come true.Gee, thanks.You shouldn’t have.It’s happening exactly the way I dreamt it.One by one everyone is getting married, having children and getting careers.
They asked so many questions, well, different variations of “what’s changed?”There was nothing I said that served as a barometer indicating change or progress in my life.They even said I looked the same.
They didn’t look the same to me, they certainly didn’t sound the same.I was the oldest out of all of them, but I felt like a child amidst them.They were behaving like ‘adults’ do.It was so weird! And it only made me feel worse about my own life.
Seriously, what significant change has there been since junior high school?Besides more schooling, meeting more people, drinking, sex and a deepening depression, what has my life got to offer?
i don't understand my life, i really don't. i just rushed home from school so i can burst into tears in the comfort of my own room! i couldn't wait to get home. there were so many moments when i didn't think i could make it. but somehow, i made it and here i am writing and crying. i don't know why i don't fit in with this world! why with hundreds of millions of people can't i connect with any one? i have no one, not one friend! not even my sibliings are friends of mine. it's just me, myself and i, all day and every day even when i am surrounded by seemingly nice people. i don't know what to do. every time i think i'm making progress, i expereince a day like today and i realize that i am exactly where i've always been. alone in my room crying. what a day!
They're cliquing all around me.Where do I fit in?Goodness, will there ever be a point in my life when I don’t have to ask that question?This is not high school, but here I am getting the dose of high school I never experienced.I can’t believe this, ‘adults’ behaving like children.
They almost made me cry yesterday, but somehow, I held it together.I am not stupid, there is nothing anyone can say to convince me otherwise; just wish they didn’t make me wonder….
Just need to do my best in all circumstances and I’ll be fine.Don’t understand why my point of view seems incomprehensible?Just because you cannot understand what I am saying, does not mean you are right. Your inability to understand does not negate my point of view.
But why can’t I express myself clearly? Why can't I relay my ideas? Why is it such an ordeal?
And why does it feel like EVERYONE is against me all over again? Oh god!
I have been uninspired lately, haven’t had a lot to write about. I have been preoccupied by schoolwork—plagued by assignments, impending deadlines—and absolutely ecstatic about my social progress.I am standing still with my head spinning.
I am less likely to write when I am content.My depression is my muse, without her, it seems I have nothing to say.
believer in Christ.believer in peace.sometimes happy.sometimes depressed.sometimes hopeful.sometimes fearful.craves deeper friendships.hopes to find soul mate.hopes there's such a thing.hopes to shed personal reservations.wants to free self from self-misconceptions.so much to do, so little time.so much to say, so little words.not enough understanding.wants to travel the world.wants to write about it.wants to speak in a large gathering.wants to shed fear of public speaking.wants so much, wants too much, expects even more.what to do, what to do...
